UNTIL THE puff of smoke, I really thought I had a shot.
Three days later, I’m still sorting it out. I could do Pope. I really think I could.
I could hang out, dressed in my Sunday robes and beanie, like el rey del mundo, and make the occasional proclamation. I could handle the Basilica San Pietro being my local art gallery. I have to think the food’s probably pretty good.
I’m just as capable as the next guy of perpetuating 14th-century attitudes toward women. I could express “concern” over sex-abusing priests.
I could say things like, “I condemn thee most strongly,” and be like really stern, and I could make sure the priests and the high priests who cover for ‘em never get too uncomfortable.
I could do Pope. Not a lot of deep thought involved.
The conclave called my current day job for references, and apparently my bosses gave me bad marks … I’m pretty sure it’s so I’d stick around and they wouldn’t lose me to the Vatican.
In the end, I understand, it came down to a little-known, rarely applied provision in the bylaws for picking a Pope. It seems the guy they select (there’s another of my qualifications – I’m a guy) must cause there to be an affirmative answer to a particular question.
I didn’t know it was a deal-breaker.
The only right answer is, “Like, duh.”
Which used to be the easy answer, right about this time of year, to the question, “Is Tiger Woods the favorite to win The Masters?”
Decent player. Had some success in the game. Two wins already this year. He’ll play next on tour at Bay Hill, where the old king Arnie hosts a tournament every year, and where Tiger has won seven times.
He was made to feel uncomfortable, and it showed in his game. Now, he’s acting like el rey del golfo mundo all over again.
He’s not a nice guy, and not overly worried about it. The killer instinct, it seems, is back.
So: Is Tiger the favorite to win the Master’s?
Is the Pope Catholic?