With the biggest and bling-iest show of the movie awards season coming up Sunday, it seems only right and fitting (like a 48 extra-long green jacket on Justin Thomas) to offer a look at some of the golf course industry’s annual awards, The Grainys, from the January issue of the trade mag GCI.
These course superintendents and agronomists aren’t super-reverent about players at the top level of the game who play tournament golf on their courses or the media who cover them. The words in quotes are by Tim Moraghan, a principal at Aspire Golf (turfgrass-management consultants) and a blogger.
The Shameless Over-Production Award is handed to the word “iconic,” especially as applied to Shinnecock Hills, site of the U.S. Open this year. “But let’s make this fun: Every time you hear the word iconic,” Moraghan wrote, “feel free to take a sip of your favorite iconic adult beverage. You’ll be flat on your ass, iconic or not, by June 17.“
Worst Sequels, Part 2: Sustainability “Save water, reduce fertility inputs and improve the environment where our courses exist. We agree. It’s common sense.” Not only do superintendents get it, they’ve been doing it for a long time. Feel free to continue not to notice.
Best New Technology: WEEDit The WEEDit Precision Spraying company is marketing its pinpoint chemical sprayers, GPS-directed, that can “target individual weeds using infrared sensors to nail the suckers as small as the size of a nickel.”
Worst Sound Mixing: Television announcers need to “remove the uncultivated organic matter from between their ears” and check with an actual superintendent before spouting off about the setup and conditioning of Tour courses. “Instead, their misinformation and glaring mistakes prevent the viewing audience from grasping some basic agronomic facts, which is making life hell for superintendents at thousands of everyday clubs around the country.”
Best Visual Effects [or more accurately, Worst Editing] When 2017 U.S. Open players complained about the fescue rough after early-week practice rounds at Erin Hills, the USGA “folded like an empty box of popcorn” and mowed the rough down. ” … (T)he fairways were 60 yards wide; why was the fescue even an issue? Giving Erin Hills this unnecessary haircut turned it into a vanilla — at best — U.S. Open venue. But don’t blame the course or the barbers (ground staff): Blame the stylist … and the crybabies in the barber’s chair.”
Best Director: Keith Wood, Golf Course Superintendent at Quail Hollow, site of the 2017 PGA Championship.”(G)ive Keith credit for … showcase(ing) it under exquisite championship conditions for the PGA of America. The course identified a great champion in Justin Thomas, whose father and grandfather are golf professionals (nice touch!), while Keith showed the world what a superintendent can do under extreme pressure in a very short time frame when given the resources and support.”
Thomas, who probably wears something like a 38 short, is in the field for this week’s World Golf Championship event in Mexico City after a playoff victory last weekend at the Honda Classic. He’s a favorite here, and maybe even at Augusta in April, for at least one reason: The little fucker hits it a long ways.